Happy Boxing Day! I'm taking a few days off from thinking about Ye Olde Blogge and thought I'd repost a fun offering from last year on crappy Christmas music. Enjoy...or at least commiserate!
Happy holidays and all, but can we talk for a second about Christmas music? I'm the first to turn it on and the last to turn it off, but there are some really baffling lyrics out there, people.
1) Andy Williams' "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
The lyrics are, and I quote: "There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting,and caroling out in the snow." Normal enough-- wait, marshmallows?-- but then: "There'll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago..." When have you ever heard a good ghost story and thought, OK, awesome! Gonna stick this one in my hat for next Christmas, baby! And the glories of Christmases long long ago? Is that like the time your Dad solved his Rubik's cube before all the wrapping paper got thrown away?
2) Various Artists, Band Aid-- "Do They Know It's Christmastime At All?"
Speaking of the Rubik's cube, this is a gem from 1984 and features the likes of Boy George, Bono, and George Michael. While feeding the world and raising money are both admirable goals, the lyrics are so condescending and fatuous they make the eyes roll back in my head. It's a bunch of rich, mostly British white guys declaring that not a single soul on the Dark Continent is aware of the existence of Christmas. Oh, and it's "a place where nothing ever grows...no rain or rivers flow." Isn't the Nile in Africa? I mean, it is, isn't it? I kind of can't believe this ever got written, let alone recorded, produced, and collaborated on.
3) "Santa Baby" (originally Eartha Kitt, but covered by everybody):
A disturbingly childish yet sexual plea to the old man in red for the sort of gifts Donald Trump might lavish on his mistress. EW.
4) Gene Autry, "Here Comes Santa Claus":
OK, this one is a bit of a sentimental favorite, owing to my parents' record collection, but nothing can undo what's done-- "Santa Claus knows we're all God's children and that makes everything right, so let's give thanks to the Lord above 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight." I'm pretty sure there are about seven logical fallacies at play here, but what confuses me the most is the self-reflexive nature of the first claim. It's like Autry (or his lyricist) knew that millions of people below the Bible Belt would be twisting uncomfortably on their vinyl seat cushions, so there's this Force-like "EVERYTHING IS FINE" built right into the lyrics themselves. This is either the stupidest or most brilliant lexical turn in the entire Yuletide canon. Then there's the whole thanking Jesus for Santa thing, which does for the commercialization of Christmas about what a bandaid would have done for my c-section incisions.
Can you think of any more?
2 comments:
"Last Christmas." Hate it, hate it, hate it.
Good one (although Eva loves that one). She also loves Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You," which I've managed to turn off or run away from two Christmases in a row. GAG.
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