Happy holidays and all, but can we talk for a second about Christmas music? I'm the first to turn it on and the last to turn it off, but there are some really baffling lyrics out there, people.
1) Andy Williams' "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
The lyrics are, and I quote: "There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting,and caroling out in the snow." Normal enough-- wait, marshmallows?-- but then: "There'll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago..." When have you ever heard a good ghost story and thought, OK, awesome! Gonna stick this one in my hat for next Christmas, baby! And the glories of Christmases long long ago? Is that like the time your Dad solved his Rubik's cube before all the wrapping paper got thrown away?
2) Various Artists, Band Aid-- "Do They Know It's Christmastime At All?"
Speaking of the Rubik's cube, this is a gem from 1984 and features the likes of Boy George, Bono, and George Michael. While feeding the world and raising money are both admirable goals, the lyrics are so condescending and fatuous they make the eyes roll back in my head. It's a bunch of rich, mostly British white guys declaring that not a single soul on the Dark Continent is aware of the existence of Christmas. Oh, and it's "a place where nothing ever grows...no rain or rivers flow." Isn't the Nile in Africa? I mean, it is, isn't it? I kind of can't believe this ever got written, let alone recorded, produced, and collaborated on.
3) "Santa Baby" (originally Eartha Kitt, but covered by everybody):
A disturbingly childish yet sexual plea to the old man in red for the sort of gifts Donald Trump might lavish on his mistress. EW.
4) Gene Autry, "Here Comes Santa Claus":
OK, this one is a bit of a sentimental favorite, owing to my parents' record collection, but nothing can undo what's done-- "Santa Claus knows we're all God's children and that makes everything right, so let's give thanks to the Lord above 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight." I'm pretty sure there are about seven logical fallacies at play here, but what confuses me the most is the self-reflexive nature of the first claim. It's like Autry (or his lyricist) knew that millions of people below the Bible Belt would be twisting uncomfortably on their vinyl seat cushions, so there's this Force-like "EVERYTHING IS FINE" built right into the lyrics themselves. This is either the stupidest or most brilliant lexical turn in the entire Yuletide canon. Then there's the whole thanking Jesus for Santa thing, which does for the commercialization of Christmas about what a bandaid would have done for my c-section incisions.
Can you think of any more?
13 comments:
Kelly and I were discussing those "scary ghost stories" at Big Lots at the butt crack of dawn on Black Friday. She thinks it's a reference to Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Could be.
As for the rest, I was thinking about that fairly recent song by Dido, Christmas Day. At the end of the song she says, "And the last words I heard him say, the last words I EVER heard him say, were, 'I'll be back, for you, my dear, on Christmas day.'" So was the guy a dick and left poor Dido at the altar, or did he go off and get killed in some war?
Mela Kalikimaka is also a little condescending, but it's Bing and the Andrews Sisters, so I can't help but love it.
Also, I need to watch White Christmas about a dozen more times before the 25th. So far I've only watched it once. Ditto for Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas.
Forgot to mention the confusion folks have about "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." No one wants to say "comf'rt" like we do in real life. Also, this linguistics guy says we're punctuating it wrong: http://literalminded.wordpress.com/2010/12/25/merry-gentlemen/
God rest ye merry, Milkweeds.
The Jesus/Santa thing cracks me up. It makes me think of a Steven Wright bit where he says (in his dry, one-liner fashion) "What did Jesus ever do for Santa on HIS birthday?" and then after a second he says, "Don't think about it too hard. It doesn't mean anything." Love him!
TKP!!! Just today at lunch I mentioned this post to a friend of mine who was like "Christmas Carol, duh" and I felt kind of stupid-- but still, it's a pretty out of place reference!
In other news, I was wandering around Big Lots by myself last Friday and had this uncontrollable urge to call you, since Big Lots + TKP is like chocolate and peanut butter. However, the number in my phone is your old one in Martinsville or Collinsville or wherever that was, and I woke up some grumpy chick who did not want to entertain me while I looked through the $3 DVD bin. BOOO!!! I need your new number for the seventy one hundreth billion time...kthxbai...
Oops-- I guess you're TPK now, not TKP...;'}
This is hilarious, M-L. I HATE Santa Baby. And I don't think that A Christmas Carol counts as "scary ghost stories"--maybe one ghost story. It's still a totally weird line.
As for more examples, how about the 12 days of Christmas? I guess it's about the "true love" wanting Christmas to last longer, but last time I checked, Christmas only lasts one day.
Winter Wonderland--when's the last time YOU pretended that a snowman was a "circus clown." Not to mention "frolic and play, the Eskimo way."
Deck the Halls--"troll the ancient Yule-tide carol." Huh? I'm sure it means something, but I don't know what.
And this is more weird-me than weird song, but I always considered the "round yon" in Silent Night to refer to the "virgin," until I realized it probably refers to the night 'round the virgin, since the virgin is not pregnant anymore and probably not quite so round (although indeed the roundness does not go away right away, as I am proof at 1 year postpartum). Um, yeah. . .
Love these!! Do they know it's Christmas is my biggest pet peeve Christmas song. Perhaps the question should be "do they CARE it's Christmas?"
I'm not a fan of the 12 days of Christmas (which is really Christmas day - Ephiphany (sp?), but really, who needs all those birds and people around?
I won't even start on the "Christmas Shoes" song.
OMG, Christmas Shoes! I heard that for the first time this year and it was like driving past a car accident, but auditorally-- I couldn't turn it off! And then I was horrified to find my eyes welling up with tears! Complete and total emotional hijacking. And it's SUCH a TERRIBLE song.
Oh, and Courtney-- that troll the ancient yuletide carol thing is weird, isn't it? Some sort of archaic meaning of "troll?" Edit-- just looked it up on ye olde Google, and it used to mean "to sing."
So when I troll online, I'm just singing to folks, right? ;)
Also, take a look at this: http://gawker.com/5867375/creepy-christmas-carols-for-a-less-cheerful-holiday
Dude, no lie: 3 of my favorite carols are on that list. Actually, anything in a minor key is a favorite.
My son is currently in love with a "sing-a-long" DVD featuring songs from classic tv christmas specials, and there are several songs from a show I don't recognize. It evidently tries to tell the "story" of how a young Santa became the jolly toy-giver we know him as now, and there is one especially strange song that seriously makes me wonder what the writers were THINKING. The lyrics go "If you sit on my lap today, a kiss a toy is the price you'll pay! If you sit on my left knee---don't be stingy!!!---be prepared to pay!" Does that not have "child molester" written all over it? CREEPY!!!
I had to get this out of my system:
http://31lacquers.blogspot.com/2011/12/not-nail-polish-irreverent-rant-about.html
Post a Comment