I've been asked by many people recently how I like staying at home with Eva. Though my kneejerk response is to say that I love it, the truth is that I'm still adjusting.
I'm very quickly learning some cardinal rules to being with her all day long: 1) things go a lot easier if I wake up before she does, and 2) while staying inside all day is out of the question, there is no such thing as "just walking around Target." If our budget is going to work, incidental purchases need to stay out of it, which means that I need to stay OUT of the stores.
There are other issues, too-- the deep, sticky, complicated kind that I'd rather not obsess about, but which bubble to the surface every now and again. Who am I if I just stay at home with her? How do I define myself outside my former career? Will it be the same career to which I return in the future?
Finally, there's the guilt of not contributing to our household in a tangible financial way, which goes hand-in-hand with the guilt I feel over enjoying so much about staying at home.
Every time I answer that question, about 1,000 possible responses flip through my mind before I just settle on the polite one. There's no easy way to convey my frustration at having read every library book in the house and realizing there's still an hour before I could even conceive of beginning to make lunch, just as nothing would convey how much I enjoy scanning the local papers for festivals and activities to try in the time between music classes and story times and playdates.
I'll say this about having just recently turned 31: I'm finally old enough to recognize that it'll be a few months still before I truly get used to our new routine. It's liberating to know that it will happen, just as it's liberating to know it's fine to feel ambivalent until it does. Until then, I'll just stick with the platitudes.
1 comment:
As a mom who has "stayed home" for 9 years, I can tell you it is a major adjustment that first year. There are a lot of self esteem issues that have to worked through (like "what am I doing with my life?" "will she stop saying mom? mom? mom? mom?" "why do I have to ask for money when I used to make my own?") It's crazy.
There are ups (getting to sit outside on a lovely day and just enjoy yourself and your child) and downs (both kids are crying, the house is a mess, the cat threw up on the carpet, the phone is ringing and you are contemplating selling them to the next door to door salesman who knocks - seriously). But you will get through them. And then one magical day, Eva and the next little bugger will be in school and you'll have a whole day in front of you, full of possibilities. That is your payback for all the "bad" days.
It's hard. But we've all been there. Vent. Let it out. Talk about it. It helps a lot. That and a good glass of wine.
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